Disasembling Harry Potter
by Scott the Wanderer
Summary: What if the Harry Potter novels were very loosely based on people and events of the Second Wizarding War, because the real Order of the Phoenix needed funding? (noncanon in the extreme)


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything related.

Author Note: This was just a wild bit of insanity that came to me.

Disassembling Harry Potter

The Order of the Phoenix was dealing with something that they had been dreading ever since they made a desperate contract to get the funds for the Second Wizarding War. They had signed over the rights to the stories of several Key Members of the Order in exchange for a literal truck load of galleons. Unfortunately as they were over a barrel they did not thin to secure a promise that the novelizations or movies would be close to the truth. The books had been delivered a week ago, and they had all that time to read the novels. Now they were discussing just how utterly screwed up the author had made things.

"Dobby does not understand. Why did nice Writer-Lady have Dobby killed?" Dobby was the first to speak as the group sat down at the round table. "Did Dobby upset Writer-Lady?"

"No more so that I did." Draco Malfoy, who had rebelled against his father way back in his second year sulked. "She made me a bully. She made me a Pureblood Supremacist Death Eater bully! What if the children read these books? They might believe that I tried to kill Dumbledore!"

"They won't believe that Cousin." Nymphadora Tonks, who actually loved her first name, especially the way it made some people blush. "You do not act anything like the Draco in the books. And yes your animagus form is a Ferret, but those little tykes love Uncle Draco Ferret. I'd be more worried that your wife might believe you have a thing for Astoria Greengrass."

"Pfft, Pansy would just tell me to bring her home so she can have fun too." Draco shrugged it off. "And how in the name of Merlin did she meet Pansy and think pug nosed. There are only a few better looking girls in the world."

"Just who is this Granger bint supposed to be? She's Draco and mine's proverbial punching bag for insults." Ron Weasley absently rearranged the novels in front of him to chronological order. "And why would she agree to date me let alone marry me if I was like that with her?"

"Pretty sure she was a self insertion. You'll notice she cuts out Daphne, Susan, Hannah, Luna, Sally-Ann, Penelope, Fleur, Gabrielle and Su Li's contribution to the war to practically nothing." Harry Potter, the hero of the Wizarding War and current Leader of the Order of the Phoenix frowned. "Instead we have Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley added to the story, coincidently marrying the two main heroes of her saga."

"And what is this with Lavendar getting mauled by Greyback?" Bill Weasley frowned. "Not to mention making her your age Ron. Still have a crush on my wife?"

"No, Penelope pretty much squashed that tendency." Ron chuckled. "You notice that Fred died and not Percy? That Percy was a traitor instead of our best intelligence officer? It's like she took all our names and likenesses and only barely told any truth to the story at all."

"It is exactly what she did." Gabrielle Delacour groused. "According to this plaindre I am nine years younger than my own twin sister. That as Fleur marrying William? Preposterous."

"And why is that preposterous? Isn't my husband good enough for you?" Lavendar rounded on Fleur thanks to Gabrielle's words.

"It is preposterous because Veela do not like submissive men in the bedroom. It is major turn off." Fleur said simply with one raised eyebrow. "Plus honestly have you heard him attempt to speak French? It made my ears bleed, literally."

"Well, that is more than I needed to know about the bedroom habits of Bill or Harry." Draco looked like he had just swallowed a lemon.

"Ditto." Ron and Neville agreed in unison.

"What I don't get is why she made Neville such a pushover until Deathly Hallows." Harry quickly changed the subject, he did not need either of the Delacours to go into detail about their private lives. "Neville was always at my side kicking ass and forgetting the names. Not to mention I happen to know Cho, Hannah and Luna are all expecting so this epilogue is crap."

"Probably for the same reason you rescued this Ginny from the Chamber of Secrets, not Pansy." Draco supplied. "It just didn't fit the story she wanted to tell."

"Well, okay, I move we place these novels under modified Magical Notice-Me-Not charms. Let the mundane deal with these and leave the magical people out of it." Harry shook his head.

"Seconded, although it is a shame. If I didn't know the truth they were a fun read." Neville shrugged. "But, I don't trust the majority of Wizards to know these are pretty much as truthful as a Rita Skeeter article."

"Well, we do have the option of altering the Nomme de Plume, give Skeeter ten percent of our cut and people will buy it, but not believe a ruddy word." Draco smiled as he let a bit of his cunning show. He needed to refill some of the coffers his fool of a father emptied.

"Seconded." Ron said after just a moment.

"All in favor?" Harry asked and there was a resounding Aye from all around the room. "Motion carries."

"Good, now let's get home. The baby is making mama very hungry." Tonks said as she stood up revealing a slight baby bulge.

"Bon, I am making chicken risotto for dinner." Fleur smiled as she stood beside her girlfriend and gave her a kiss. "If the baby takes after Harry she will love it."

"Damn, Potter, you have all the luck." Draco muttered darkly before he apparated away.


End file.
